I liken the experience of my existence to the physical act of treading water. Most of the time I feel like I have to race like hell to keep my head up just so I can barely breathe, and if I slow down just a little I will drown. My whole life has been like this, and for most of it I was racing so hard that I wasn't able to stop and think about what I was doing.
I've experienced the pits of irrational depression so many times, I don't know how I've made it this far. For the last 7 years, the only thing that has kept me going is Jonah. When I was pregnant with Jonah, my mother was worried that having a child would make my life all "too hard". She was right. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done.
Earlier this year, I read a blog post on TMR that opened my eyes a little to what had been happening to 'me'. I can't take care of Jonah if I am not taking care of me. That was what my motivation was when this journey started that led us to CEASE. I had become a vegan because I wanted to make a bold move that helped to reduce my impact on the environment.
There was a healing that I experienced with Jonah just by changing our diets. When I was witnessing Jonah's improvements, I was learning about the health benefits of an organic diet and plant based diets, and how we are so environmentally polluted by the corporate food and pharmaceutical chains. Mostly, what I was learning is that we are being poisoned as a society by our food and medicine, and non of us are any wiser. I have heard recently that the national average IQ is now less than 100. I haven't verified if this is true, but with a presidential election in action, there seems to be reasonable evidence to support it.
I need to back track for a bit. Around this time last year, we were on our first CEASE remedy for Hep A. I realize now that I wasn't fully prepared for what this therapy would bring about. I had done all the research in what to expect from this therapy for Jonah, but had no consideration for what it would do to me. I had recently figured out that I have suffered from PTSD my entire life. I've always known I was depressed, but lump that on with all the irrational decisions and anxiety that go along with avoidance and numbing ever since I can remember. Of course, I can't afford professional therapy for myself, so I was baby-stepping my way through letting go of my fears and regaining my confidence when we started CEASE.
But, CEASE hit me hard. Witnessing Jonah's regressions during his clearings caused me to regress as well. It brought about fear, worry, anxiety, traumatic memories from Jonah's regression into autism. Thinking about all those little things I missed when he was a sick baby. Regretting all those things I missed that were signs of toxicity that would eventually compromise his development. Not that I could have done much about it then. The shots were given to him when he was 18 months. And, it was a long and slow regression after that.
But there were signs before that. There were signs in his physical wellness that the doctor kept assuring me were normal. He was always sick with something. My mom was right about that too. She told me she was worried he was always sick with a cold or sick with the flu. The doctor said "kids are always sick". (Need I point out that for all the shots our kids in America get, they sure are sick a lot.) Had I known what I know now, I would have identified the signs of his illness, and would have declined the series of injections he was given at 18 months. By 24 months when Jonah's skin was irrupting with itchy sores, the doctor said, "it's just eczema. Kids get eczema. Put some CeraVe on it". When Jonah wouldn't eat ANYTHING, the doctor said "kids are picky. It's just a phase". I believed him, and it was too late. The doctor knew it. I wasn't prepared for how hard these traumatic memories would hit me. I didn't know what was happening then. The doctor knew it. The doctor kept saying it was fine and I believed him. It wasn't fine, and the grief of realizing this has stunned me for the last year.
Of course there have been many amazing accomplishments over the last year and Jonah is doing better than I had hoped. I've regressed since this time last year. I started eating meat again for Thanksgiving and it's been a downward spiral since. It's not the meat's fault. Or is it? In reality, it's my fault. I let it happen. A part of me wanted to experiment with myself and see just what would happen if I exposed myself to the standard diet of our toxic environment again. Plus, it has allowed me to eat my painful emotions and fears that have been brought out by the traumatic stress of Jonah's condition.
Here is what I've figured out: The more emotions I eat, the more depressed I feel. Last year, at this time, I was inspired and motivated by my life style. Fast forward through a year of eating corporate restaurant food and you'll find me standing on the corner of 'Lost' and 'Miserable', 20 pounds heavier and exhausted. Every time Jonah regressed on a clearing, I would regress with him. He would have gains from his remedies, and while I celebrated his gains, I failed to accomplish many gains myself.
I feel that Jonah is on a substantial healing trend that allows me to grasp at an attempt of healing myself. Since my last blog post, he has finished first grade, went through an 8 week Hib clearing, started 2nd grade, and we are now on our 4th DTaP clearing. This time, we are continuing each dose until we see no more or minimal changes. We completed 5 weeks on DTaP 30c, and are now on our 4th week of 200c. The last 2 months have been difficult for me to witness. The first weeks on 30c brought out minor regressions and behavioral issues, and the second we introduced the 200c, they increased dramatically. We are now going into our 4th week of 200c, and his behaviors have improved. His speech continues to slowly progress, but more importantly, his attempts to speak are drastically increasing.
We just completed his IEP and Jonah no longer requires OT. WOW! Last year, Jonah had difficulty printing with size consistency and staying on the lines. Over the summer, these challenges practically disappeared. So, he is now participating in general ed PE and has age appropriate fine motor skills. He has amazing teachers.
When Jonah starts doing better, I start doing better. The energy of this therapy seems to be inherited. It is helping both of us.